Hilly van Swol-Ulbrich suggests ways of easing the transition process
Families often find that time quickly runs out right before the big
moving day. With boxes to be packed and goodbyes to be made, parents
have little energy left for their children. The younger members of the
family often find themselves in a transitional whirlwind that can leave
them confused and apprehensive of the uncertainties ahead.
Parents, projecting their hopes and aspirations on the children,
often deny the concerns felt by the child. “Yes, you will have to learn
a new language, but you will be fine” – “Sure, you will go to a new
school, but you will make friends” – “No, we can’t take the dog – but
Benny will be happy with this new family” – “Changes? – Many, but don’t
fret!”. Not wanting to alarm, it is easy to gloss over issues without
making them more understandable for a child. This leaves some children
without the proper support during this indispensable crucial phase.
Changing character of work assignments
The nature of
work assignments is changing: the duration of postings is becoming
shorter, resulting in an increased pace in successive moves. It is very
important to consider the effect of this trend on the children.
Geo-political tensions have also resulted in families becoming more
concerned – among families that have been evacuated from their host
country resistance to accepting other assignments is understandably
very high.
Multiple change
Naturally individual needs, preferences,
openness and stress-resistance will differ according to age and
personality, but there is a challenge to be met even by the most
flexible of children. For a move involves more than just changing
schools: there are new systems in place, other learning styles and the
total loss of reference for the child and the loss of friends. To be
separated by large geographical distances and sometimes time zones from
extended family members, such as grandparents, cuts deeper than many
parents may at first realise.
When moving abroad this is topped by the challenges presented by a
foreign language, a new cultural environment and a house which is not
yet a home – all at a time when a child is still developing his or her
own identity. Children will react in very different ways to these
multiple changes.
What defines the transition process?
Differentiate between relocation issues and the transition phase.
The relocation phase is dominated by logistics, hardware,
fact-finding, getting answers to the many ‘how, what, when, where’
questions. Although stressful, it is easily managed as the issues are
more straightforward.
The challenge of the transition phase lies in realising you have
entered it, so it is much more hidden. It surfaces in a more emotional
way and is characterized by the many ‘why’ questions it brings up. This
is a period of learning new coping skills.
What to look out for – the implications
Where families
have more than one child, one may very well thrive and not display any
symptoms at all, whereas the other child may show its discomfort.
Most parents agree that regression (ie bed wetting,
clingyness) is the most often noticed reaction. Sleeping disorders are
frequent but there are more signs to look out for: anger, a sense of
helplessness or plain resentment are expressions of unresolved grief in
children. When not addressed these often turn to aggression, directed
both within and outside of the family. Another observed behaviour is an
extremely passive attitude towards the move and the new cultural
environment.
Other children, driven by fear of remaining an outsider, urgently
want to ‘put themselves on the map’ and end up being qualified as
‘difficult’, or even hyperactive.
Children may feel hesitant to discuss their struggles with their parents for several reasons:
- out of concern – a wish to avoid adding another problem to the
shoulders of a parent they observe as already stressed and juggling
with relocation issues;
- due to the initial denial of potential problems prior to the move.
The parents’ attitude will resonate within the children; their fine
tuned radar will pick up your signals and will return these through an
amplifier, both the positive and the negative vibrations.
For a child to derive maximum benefit from an international
relocation experience requires planning for their academic future as
well nurturing their emotional needs. Another aspect is the forming of
the children’s cultural identity which part is discussed during
transition training with the parents.
Kids in transition – what is on offer?
There are
services on offer that help to facilitate a successful transition. A
growing number of corporations offer a ‘Kids in Transition’ programme
to their mini expat population.
CONSULTus, an intercultural
training company, encourages the children to become actively involved
and promotes personal reflection. Their aim is to have the child gain a
sense of mastery and control which helps to ease the transition period.
This is achieved by a methodology that includes art work, projects,
activities, role plays and multimedia tools. The curriculum of the
training follows the four phases of the assignment:
- Phase one looks at the identity of the child, how they define themselves;
- Phase two zooms in on preparations, saying goodbye, making new friends;
- Phase three focuses on dealing with change, diversity and culture shock;
- Phase four is about repatriation or onward journey.
But not every family may have access to such a program – a
recently-published book that builds upon the long-standing experience
of working with ‘migrating children’ is another useful resource for
families on the move. When Abroad - do as the local children do,
Ori’s guide for young expats, (Xpat Media ISBN: 90-5594 262 6) provides
parents with a communication tool, facilitating useful conversations to
explore the exciting and frightening aspects of a move.
Staying in touch, searching relevant information, sharing experience
are universal needs. For mobile children the internet has become an
important tool to do just that. The website www.Ori-and-Ricki.net
is specially designed for expat kids. An interesting feature is the
‘Behind the Rainbow’ section where young students write about their
experiences abroad. Other areas cover country-specific information,
great links, recommended books, etc.
Ori, the migrating bird, together with his newly found friend Ricki,
host this website. They not only make easily identifiable figures but
also are accessible by email, so kids can ask questions, share their
resources or submit their contributions. Ori’s logbook project has Ori
visiting elementary schools worldwide where he is
welcomed, shown the sights, and gathers country-specific information:
dos and don’ts and what makes their host country special.
Parents should aim to use their own natural empathy with their
children, together with some of the many resources available, to find
ways to ease the transition for their children; to provide
opportunities to create new points of reference and identification with
the host culture. Above all, it is important that children are
encouraged to share their anxieties and ask the many ‘why’ questions.
Hilly van Swol-Ulbrich works for CONSULTus Expatriate, Briefings and Intercultural Seminars, GmbH, Hofheim am Taunus, Germany.
Published in Guide to International Schools 2004
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